Most of the time when I write in the blog it’s to make sure that everyone is up to date and in touch with Scott and I. Occasionally I write just to express myself whether I need to let out some of the good stuff or the bad. This week leaves me with a need to write, so here I am.

It was a beautiful weekend here in Wisconsin. The weather turned warm and we saw temperatures above freezing for the first time in quite a while. The sun was bright and warm. It was a great winter weekend. It made me both happy and sad. I am really happy that I am here to see such a beautiful weekend and sad that I do not have the energy to really enjoy it. So, I am trying to find a way to shake off the blues and snap out of my funk. Life is not long enough to be sad for long.

So, what did we do this weekend? Well, we went out to check on the house. It is really coming along. They say that the granite countertops will go in on the 10th and they will be finishing the wood floors next Thursday and Friday. The bookcase we asked them to make in the greatroom looks great. We have asked the carpenter to give us ideas on how to use those great pieces of eucalyptus wood we have hauled all over from Florida to Alaska and then here. I think we will find a really nice way to use them in this house that will stand out. This past week they have been doing mostly trim work which is turning out very well.

After our visit to the house we did a few errands and that was about the weekend. Tonight we are of course watching the Superbowl even though we are doing it at home and not at a party full of wild friends. We do not really have a team in the game, but Scott would like to see the Cardinals win. So we root for Arizona and watch the commercials. We are also really enjoying the puppy bowl on Animal Plant. It you have not seen it yet, you should check it out! Great laughs.

This week I am going to start a mindfulness meditation class to see if it can help me center my energies toward healing. I am beginning to get a bit down and frustrated because the cancer is not responding to any of the drugs for very long. This week we once again changed protocols. The cancer was getting smaller before Christmas, but now seems to be growing again. The cancer seems to becoming resilient to each drug after just a short time. My Oncologist says that we are not out of options, but the cancer in the lungs is growing and making it more difficult for me to breath without coughing. This is wearing me down. The chemo itself is not so bad, but I am unable to do much without coughing and that is taking a toll. I need to just stay quiet and take it easy, but those of you who know me know that I am going to have a real hard time with that! I need to feel like I am doing something that will make a difference in my own battle and just sitting around does not feel like something worth while!

My Oncologist said she would look over the last few scans and tell me just where we stand. How many steps backwards for how many steps forwards, etc. I wish there were better places for me to find more information, but it is really hard to find anything that makes sense. In addition, the type of BC I have is one of the least studied at the moment, so that makes it difficult as well. The triple negative breast cancer is aggressive and needs more research so that problems like mine can be solved. From what I have read the best approach for TNBC is chemo as it usually reacts well to chemo. However, I have also read about a lot of women who are going through drug protocol after drug protocol like me.

Ok, so enough griping. So far I have lived have seven months with this last bout of cancer and although it has not all been rosy, it has been a good life. I am still not ready to quit, so it is time to put away the gloomy thoughts, pull out the energy building attitude and get myself together again. So hopefully getting this all out here will help me let it all go and I can start fresh with a better attitude in the morning. - Shauna